Delusional
by Natsu.Arisu
Summary: Maybe he loves me. I mean...he could easily find a body other than mine, right? I'm weak. So maybe he needs me because he loves me too. I've never been loved before, like that. Rated M to be safe.


(A/N:) I was half-asleep when I was writing this, so it jumps around a little in the beginning. They all come together towards the end, I think. I have issues with writing in the past tense, when trying to write in the past tense. Same with present tense. Bleh. I was proofreading it as I wrote this and I was frustrated with all the corrections I had to do concerning that.

Hints of yaoi/shonen-ai. Don't like, don't read. Bakura's retaliation to Ryo's words and actions are not meant to be taken seriously, though; and vice versa, I suppose. As you read, keep the key words in your mind: **Use**. **Delusional**.

It was an idea I wanted to get done and over with already.

* * *

I've never actually seen him before. He's always just a voice; never seen otherwise to me. I've sometimes wondered what he looks like, but since he takes over my body, he probably has some resemblance of me, I guess.

I've never thought of myself as very useful or helpful or anything of that nature. I couldn't help my mother and sister when they were killed. I couldn't help my father much when he mourned. I couldn't even help myself when I was being bullied in elementary and middle school—he took care of that for me. I always felt an immense amount of guilt afterward, because those kids would never show up to school again. Had he killed them? Rumors stated they were in a deep coma. Maybe they're dead by now. Maybe they're actually still in that coma. It's tragic. Sadly, my guilt has faded away a bit by now. I mean…it's not my fault, right? He did it to them, not me. He just used my body. But perhaps…perhaps if I was helpful to myself and tried to stop them from bullying me, the outcome would have been different? I don't know. I suppose I'll never know. I could never be useful to myself. I'm weak.

He makes me feel useful, truth be told. I know he's using me for negative reasons, but honestly…it's better than nothing. I'd rather be used for something evil than not feel or be useful at all. In a sick way…it makes me happy, to know that I'm being useful to someone. I've always been alone, so having someone find some use or at least a bit of interest in me just gives me this high. It's almost like a drug I can hardly ever have.

I feel like I'm rambling.

But…that's beside the point.

There are only a few things in life I've yet to experience. It's saddening, I think. I'm already living on my own, and the things I've experienced are almost supernatural. I blame it on him, and only on him.

It's the non-tangible things I've yet to experience. Emotions. I think I've experienced happiness, when with my acquaintances at school…I say "acquaintances," because I don't know if I could call them "friends"…Being with them makes me happy, I suppose. I can mark that off the list.

Sadness.

I've experienced more than sadness. I don't know how long I grieved for my mother and sister. I just couldn't get over the fact that they were gone. Forever.

Anger.

I've felt anger plenty of times. I got mad at myself for being so unhelpful. I got mad at the world for taking my mother and sister away from me. I got mad at him for being the cause of me having to transfer schools constantly. I've gotten mad at a lot of things. Maybe that's why I become pessimistic sometimes—because I'm always so angry. But…I'm not _always_-always angry. Just…often. Well…not often, but…Never mind, I suppose it doesn't matter.

There's one emotion that I've yet to experience:

Love.

What is love, really? I've felt love towards my mother and father and sister but…what _is _it? How do you know if and when you're _in love_ with a person? How do you know if someone else loves you? Love…is confusing. I don't know if I'd be able to handle something like that.

But…I think I might have to face it in a while.

I had no idea where I was. Before I could even think about where I was, I suddenly got this sharp pain in my left arm, and I got on my knees. I clutched at the origin of the pain in my arm, bit my lip, and I looked around. I was in a duel, with Yugi. We were apparently in the sky. I still had no recollection of how or when I got up there, though. There was another man, but I didn't see him. I faintly heard his voice. He was telling Yugi something, and I could barely see Yugi looking at me through my hazed vision. He looked like he was trying to make a difficult decision, by the look of his expression. I felt like I was going to pass out as I felt what seemed like blood seep through the spaces between my fingers. I was breathing heavily, and all I could think was, _Oh God, please, just get me out of here—it hurts, it hurts so much, I can't take it, I just can't—I can't, I can't I can't I CAN'T TAKE IT—_

And I was suddenly relieved of my pain.

He had taken over again.

When I came to my senses again, my _acquaintances _were helping me up and bringing me to the infirmary. I realized before passing out again that he had taken over to protect me, like he always has. He did it to prevent me from getting hurt.

It never really occurred to me that he probably only protected me because he still needed me, but the though came up later as I was engulfed in my own sleep and thoughts, still bed-ridden.

Maybe he did still need me, I thought.

But…obviously he could find someone not as weak as me, right? I mean, it must've been easy to inhabit my body. How hard would it be to find another body to take over, to use and make them feel needed?

Maybe he…loves me. Maybe that's why he was so eager to protect me. Eager…I don't know if that's the right word. But maybe he loves me.

I've never been loved before, like that.

It seemed like a crazy idea, something that was nonsense and wrong. But…the thought wouldn't leave me.

The more I thought about it in my sleep, the more it seemed logical to me.

So I decided to put my own feelings to the test.

I've never loved anyone before, like that.

I needed to see him, somehow. I kept thinking this, and I suddenly found myself in a room within my mind. It was a simple room, with a standard bed and desk off to the side of the room. I saw a few recognizable pictures of my family and acquaintances.

I glanced over at the door, and cocked my head to the side. Curiosity getting the best of me, I got up and walked over to open it. The door squeaked as I turned the handle and opened the door slowly. I was greeted by a very narrow hallway in front of me, and I stepped into it. A couple steps later, I came across another door. I stared at the door and its handle back and forth, debating if I should open it or not. I finally made the decision to open it, and did so slowly. I was greeted by darkness, but there was only one thing I was able to see.

Him.

At first he frightened me a bit since I did not know who he was, and I stepped back. But then it occurred in my mind that this was probably him—that this was the person...or whatever he was, that had been using me and protecting me all this time.

He didn't notice me at first. He was sitting on the floor, arms resting on his knees, head hidden behind his hands. He was looking down.

I suddenly became afraid again. I didn't know if I should leave or try to get his attention and…maybe talk to him.

I stepped slowly into the room, and after just one step, his head shot up and he gave me a deathly glare. I flinched.

His look was so intense.

I was surprised how much he looked like me. We had the same hair, yet his was more spiked in some places, making him look a little devilish. His eyes were smaller than my own, and were narrowed in a glare at that moment. His body was broader than mine, but not so much that you would be able to note the fact right away.

"Well," he suddenly said. I flinched again, not expecting him to speak, and his mouth curled up into a smirk. "This is a first."

I felt awkward. He stood up and walked toward me, sizing me up. I couldn't stop staring at him. After he was done looking up and down at me, he looked into my eyes, and narrowed his own again. "What?"

I said nothing in response, only pursing my lips a bit. I bit my lip, and reached my hand out to him. His eyes widened in surprise a bit, and he took a small step back. I stopped, but then continued reaching up to touch his face. He was practically frozen as my fingers came in contact with his cheek. I ran my fingers over every angle on that side of his face, and he never blinked, watching my every move. I leaned my face towards his, and he was still frozen.

I needed to test my own feelings.

My breath mingled with his as we both breathed out through our mouths. He was still frozen as my lips came into slight contact with his.

My heart was beating faster with each passing second. I increased the pressure I had on his lips, and I was kissing him. He was still frozen.

I pulled back after a few seconds, staring at him.

My heart was still beating, and my face felt flushed. I could see that his breathing had changed by now, and it was faster. His cheeks were slightly reddened. "What was…," he muttered. I smiled the slightest bit.

I've never been loved before, like that.

I've never loved anyone before, like that.

I leaned in again, making the kiss much longer this time. I started to pull away after a few longer seconds, but then he grabbed the back of my head and kept my lips locked onto his. I was a bit surprised at first, but I complied. I kissed him back.

Our lips were in constant contact, and I felt his tongue invade my mouth, trying to gain dominance. I took notice for a second that we were now on the floor, when he made me lose my balance and the back of my head made a _thump_ sound.

He finally pulled away, panting and staring into my eyes. I was doing the same, and the feeling was just…amazing. I felt like I was on a high. I needed more, I wanted more, I…

I've never been loved before, like that.

I've never loved anyone before, like that.

I pulled him down towards me by his shirt (which was identical to mine), and put my lips to his ear, whispering:

"Touch me."

He complied after a few seconds. I felt the moans emit from my mouth.

I've never been loved before, like that.

I've never loved anyone before, like that.

"Touch me. On the inside." I touched his lips for no particular reason as I looked dimly into his eyes.

He complied.

I've never been loved before, like that.

I've never loved anyone before, like that.

The feeling of him rocking in and out of me, pleasuring me, was just too immense for words. He made me feel _good_. Maybe that's what love is, when someone makes you feel as good as that.

Maybe he does love me, like that.

Maybe I do love him, like that.

I've never been loved before, like that.

I've never loved anyone before, like that.

Maybe I'm useful enough for love.


End file.
